by Dan Smith
In order to be a writer you must enjoy words and their descriptive qualities.
Thinking of a new way to say the same old thing is always difficult, but is fun when you do accomplish it. As I have said many times, I consider myself more of a storyteller than a writer and try to relate my tales to you as if we were both sitting on the porch enjoying a tall glass of iced tea.
Often, I will type my column just the way I think it and when I am finished, I am surprised to find that a good portion has turned red It seems the spell-check feature on my computer does not understand the colloquialisms of a country boy.
Here, I will list a few words that cause my machine to blush. Some will be foreign to you and others you will know but I may have assigned them different meanings.
"Bacturn" is the act of screwing a lid on a jar in the opposite direction in order to get the threads to line up.
"Tipsy" is when you have had so many cocktails with your dinner that you over tip the nasty waitress that you didn't care for an hour ago.
"Heaphappy" is when the check engine light on your old car goes out on its own.
"Dootyfoot" is when you go out in the dark for the morning paper and discover that a dog has visited your yard.
"Puckerpuss" is the face you make as you taste milk that is past its expiration date.
"Flubalyric" is what you do while singing along to the car radio (best done alone).
"Brownthumb" is your talent to kill a perfectly healthy plant in two weeks.
"Mcsmile" is when you discover one more French fry in the bottom of the bag.
"Crapshout" is when you hit your thumb with a hammer.
"Olatalk" is when you have had so many drinks at the Mexican restaurant you now believe you can speak Spanish. (This is always accomplished by adding "o" to any English word.)
"Creamsmile" happens when you have been relegated to a life of drinking fat-free milk and someone slips you a glass of 2 percent. '
"Vacutorture" is running the vacuum cleaner only to aggravate your cat.
"Roachoflage" is when you try to convince company the quarter pound insect that just scampered across the floor is a palmetto bug.
"Poxferlife" is what you wish on the neighbor who lets their dog go in your yard. (See Dootyfoot.)
"Fruitgrin" is when you bite into a plum and it is red on the inside.
"Rotinhell" is what you wish on the fellow who invented the slippery toilet paper you sometimes find in public restrooms.
"Greattaseeya" is what you say to an old high school chum who you have not seen in 30 years and they look older than you.
"Sniffright" is the act of whiffing any foreign object found on the carpet.
"Johnblues" is when there is nothing to read in the toilet.
"Shiftyfoot" is what you do while you wait for someone to check out a month of groceries in the 15 items or less line.
"Alienshout" is when you talk louder to someone who cannot speak English.
"Dropsqueeze" is how you clamp down on the gasoline pump after it has stopped.
"Newjohnson" is what your mechanic calls to say your car needs as soon as you get home from dropping it off.
"Beachvolleyballeye" is when you are so ashamed of the inane program you are watching on TV that you must change the channel as soon as anyone enters the room.
"Eurospot" is when you go to the beach and see an old guy in a Speedo wearing knee-high black dress socks with sandals.
Last, but not least, is the very dangerous "clotheslie." That happens when you tell your wife the dress she has picked out looks nice just because you are tired of waiting.
Well, sure enough, most of this column is red. Feel free to use these words to suit your own circumstances, but be careful. Words are nothing to play with.
Dan Smith is on the board of directors for the Ormond Beach Historical Society, The Motor Racing Heritage Association and is the author of a fishing book.